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Thread: Erro's Camp

  1. #101
    Senior Member Is Awesome Liska's Avatar
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    May 2012
    Between the lines.
    Don't I know this way of story writing. And it's sad if one has to accept that a piece won't fit in any more, right? Thank you for sharing it with us, now that it's never going to find another home.
    Ring the bell at the front of my book and I may be right there for you.... soon... ish.
    앞으로는 걱정하지 않아도 되겠는데.

  2. #102
    Senior Member

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    Vapor's Avatar
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    In the shadows
    Quote Originally Posted by Erro View Post
    @Vapor: Oh? Pray tell XD I'm not really good at coming up with things to say when I'm in an actual fight, let alone a fake one.
    I'm just as bad. My parents like to tell a story about how there was a skit at church that showed a family arguing, and my older sister turned to them in shock and asked if families really fought like that. She didn't believe it. But as for this fight here, I'm afraid that the arguments I came up with dipped into the childish side of "nuh-uhs" and "uh-huhs". Or if you want to be more specific, my thoughts were directed towards the same situation in varying levels of severity and how removing prose from dialog altered the feeling of it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Erro View Post
    This fight between Raoul and Talonne was basically staged. I don't know how apparent that is from my writing.
    That is very clear. You pointed it out nicely. If someone didn't realize something was off in the beginning, then you showed it to them by the end. I, personally, didn't know whether it was staged at first. I didn't think the fight was serious (hence I was playing around with it in my head), but I brushed off any suspicion because I knew I didn't have the full story that lead up to this, even with your quick description of it. This is why outtakes are weird, haha. Weird's not bad, though. It's just a change in understood context. I would have thought that Talonne was in on it, though, rather than that she figured it out and joined in on her own.

    A memorable quote by Dark Spear: "Slrrrrp."

  3. #103
    Drama Queen

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    I stumbled across more outtakes from Fate. It's nothing special. Seriously, don't expect much. It's just... notes, I guess, for anyone who's interested. Or maybe for my own satisfaction. If a conversation I love can't get worked into a story, I mourn it a bit... And almost everything I'd planned didn't get into this story, since I stopped writing at chapter 4. So I wanted it to be seen, incomplete as it is.

    Much of this is no more than tiny fragments, a line or two here and there.
    This is how things work for me. First, the characters start talking. Voices in my head XD If it's intriguing, I end up sitting down and writing it down, usually just the lines and maybe "stage directions" in asterisks. If I like it, I extrapolate the scenario that goes with it, adding context and descriptions. Most of this has been abandoned in the dialogue stage. (Note: most of this was written before Rai got stabbed/healed by Lascrea, which is relevant in a couple of places.) There are also some notes about plot and character development.

    A lot of this is also in conceptual flux, i.e. I started out with one idea for what a character would be like, and it turned into something quite different. Lyunee was my consultant on this endeavor, not just on the French, but also as a sounding board and encourager. I went ranting to her about that:
    It's in progress. I’m having to completely rewrite it, since I totally changed the backstory of a main plot point (and at least one other major thing has, all by itself, undergone a complete reversal). My notes are a wreck. >.< My story has done so much changing… Evolving. It’s weird, and chagrining, and fun XD My characters just do whatever the heck they want without bothering to consult me on it.
    You can’t do that; do you have any idea what that will do to the storyline?!

    I don’t care, you, you, you dictator! You can’t tell me what to do! I make my OWN choices!

    What are you TALKING about?!

    Of course I tell you what to do! I’m the AUTHOR!

    You’re just a character in one of my stories!!

    You don’t even exist!

    Do you even hear yourself? You’re arguing with a nonexistent “person”.

    I think you have more issues than me.

    How dare you tell me how to live my life? Besides, that idea was crap anyway, and you know it.


    After Talonne wakes up in the lab (remember M-21 took one of her knives out of curiosity and then couldn't figure out how to put it back). Shortly after I wrote it, I realized that Talonne would never have revealed the location of all of her knives like this:
    She sat up abruptly, then her hands danced lightly over her upper arms, then her stomach, lower back, and upper chest, all through her shirt. They flew to her thighs and calves, then wrapped around the tops of her boots. Finally, she pressed down on her hair; and she then she looked up, glaring. “I’m missing a knife.”

    “Ah!” exclaimed M-21. He pulled her knife out of his pocket, wrapped in cloth. She took it from him carefully, set the cloth on the tray next to the bed, then pulled a single slender thread from a skein in her pocket. One-handed, she secured the knife back in its sheath on her arm.

    [Incidentally, it's totally possible to keep a knife in your hair. I tried it just to make sure. At the time, my hair was around mid-back length; I twisted it up into a large bun with a huge barrette, pinning the sheath of a small throwing knife set I'd picked up at a Renaissance fair in the barrette, behind the hair. I was able to put in and take out a knife from the sheath (all three knives and the barrette wouldn't hold it anymore). Come to think of it, I think there's a picture. This is me. With knives hidden in my hair. The picture quality is terrible, though.]
    Name:  Hair Knives2.jpg
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    After the latest installment of Fate:
    Raizel returns to the house; Franky leaves M-21 with Talonne to reassure himself with his master's presence. Tal reminds Franky of himself; Ran would be Rai. What if when Franky found Rai, he was dead?

    R: "I am safe."
    *paragraph about Frankenstein's complicated feelings on that statement*

    In this version of the story, all three members of the mod squad stay with Talonne when Frankenstein leaves the lab on the announcement that the others have returned home. Their assumptions about Frankenstein's reaction are wrong; he is only projecting from his feelings about Rai, as noted above. You'll notice that bits of this conversation were kept for the published version, but this includes the scene with Rai in the hallway. I put the bits I kept in italics.
    “What’s up with him, exactly?” Tao wondered aloud, gazing after the recently-departed boss.

    “Wonder if it’s something special about her,” Takeo half-whispered, his eyes fixed on the woman’s face. “I had thought only he could affect Boss like that.”

    “Wonder how old she is?” Tao speculated, turning back. “Maybe they know each other from before. Maybe even from before Boss even knew him.”

    They all looked at each other again. “But that would be hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Maybe more than a thousand,” M-21 whispered. “She can’t possibly—” He cut himself off. He didn’t know how old werewolves could live to be, and just because he thought the woman reasoned like a child [this is in reference to a plot point I ended up changing] didn’t mean she wasn’t thousands of times older than he was, even if her gray hair was just a dye job. Looking down at her, he rather doubted it; there were too many shades in it, ranging all the way from white to black. He was suddenly struck with a thought he’d never had before. Always he’d assumed he would be killed by overeager scientists, Union agents or Elders, or nobles displeased with the origin of his power. If not today or tomorrow, then next month, or two from now. When he worried about when he would die, it was always relative: would he last longer than the bad guys, so he could protect the kids, his comrades, Raizel? So deeply ingrained was his belief, conditioned into him as a “trash” experiment and then as a rebel way out of his league, he’d never once wondered what his lifespan was likely to be if it wasn’t ended beforetimes by someone ill-intentioned. He’d always kind of thought of his life as a dice throw every single day, not bothering to wonder about how long the dice were likely to last, because they’d come up snake eyes before they came anywhere near wearing out. With a werewolf heart, was he… temporally immortal now? On the heels of this idea came the sickening realization that if that were the case, it and any other benefits he had received from the werewolf heart thumping unpleasantly hard in his chest at this very moment were because it was no longer in someone else’s—someone very dear to the woman lying unconscious on the bed before him, someone named “Ran.” Her brother, her husband, her son; it hardly mattered. He bowed under the weight of the thought, the oppression of it.

    “M-21?” Takeo asked.

    He realized his hands were clenched, shaking, at the ends of arms pinned to his sides, his head lowered, his jaw set as he tried to come to terms with it. It wasn’t that he hadn’t known, as long as he’d known he had a heart that wasn’t his own, that it must have come at the cost of another’s life, but his attitude had been more along the lines of “I hope the werewolves don’t find out and decide to kill me”—he hadn’t cared for the individual or family of his (presumably) unwilling donor, nor of those of M-24, whom they guessed had something from a noble… what if he’d been given the heart of, say, Seira’s or Regis’s father? He wanted to throw up. He had never been more disgusted with what he was, which was truly saying something. He brushed by the others without a word, as if putting space between himself and the woman could somehow cleanse him. Almost blind to what was in front of him, he nearly ran down Raizel-nim on his way to his bedroom.

    “Sorry,” he mumbled, pressing himself against the wall so the other could pass. Instead of leaving him in peace, Raizel stopped opposite him and waited for him to lift his head.

    “Gejutel’s son and the former head of Loyard rest safely in their shrines,” he told him gravely, his steady crimson eyes piercing the depths of M-21’s soul. “The woman will awaken soon,” he continued, seemingly looking beyond or through M-21, through the wall behind him, through the world. Then his eyes focused on M-21’s again. “Your friends are worried for you,” he told him, and then he turned and continued on in his dignified way to his room.

    “So are yours,” M-21 muttered rebelliously, glaring after him. He looked back the other way and found Tao and Takeo gazing anxiously his direction from the woman’s doorway, torn with conflicting needs.

    This is a fragment of dialogue where M-21 is discussing his feelings on recent developments with Takeo. It was meant to be a reflection of their earlier conversation after Takeo found out the truth about his "sister."

    M:"If I didn't exist, she would still have a brother."

    T:"No, if Crombell didn't exist, she would still have a brother. Without you, it would just be some other poor bastard, but he probably wouldn’t be wallowing in guilt like you."

    This bit is while Talonne is with the gang at Frankenhouse. It's been a while, and she's warming up to them a bit.

    Tao rattled off something in French at Talonne, with a clever look on his face that made M-21 worry. She shot something back without blinking an eye, leaving Tao frowning in confusion.

    M-21 glanced at Takeo. "Do you know what she said? Pearl a loo fawn say something-something-something?"

    Takeo shrugged, while Frankenstein's eyes lightened, though his face didn't so much as twitch.

    After Talonne had gone ahead, Tao fell back to ask the boss, "What did she say just then? I couldn't quite catch it."

    "She said you speak French like a Spanish cow," Frankenstein answered mildly, causing M-21 to snort loudly while Takeo's mouth stretched into a small smile.

    Tao frowned for a second, then grinned. "I'll have to work on that, I guess. Maybe before she's gone, I'll have worked my way up to a French cow."

    Brief follow-up:
    How does he know French?
    It's the official language of Geneva.
    So you should read a little instead of all that target practice.
    You read?
    Pff. CliffNotes, my friend.

    As the only other French speaker in the house (except perhaps Rai, but he's not a big talker), Talonne occasionally seeks Frankenstein out. She can speak Korean a bit, but it's not her heart language, and the deep stuff tends to get lost in translation when you're trying it in a non-native language. This conversation is between the two of them. I feel this is rather cheesy. I might have done some reworking and included it, but I didn't want to spend too much time on Talonne's grieving. I liked the concept, though. Although I have to say, I prefer Liska's explanation for Mary Shelly's Frankenstein.
    F: …I was married once.

    *ms [mod squad], hiding and listening (maybe from Tao's cave; have they bugged the room?), look at each other, shocked*

    F: She was killed by a mutant on our wedding night. Not a creature made by me, as some have alleged—" *looks fierce* "—but one traceable to the nobles."

    *ms look at each other in horror*

    F: And thus began my quest for the power to defend humanity from the arrogance of the nobles.

    T: *small voice*…How did you forget the hurt?

    F: Forget it? It became a part of me. But as impossible as it seemed, it turns out I can breathe without Elizabeth. Even that I can enjoy it. My life is precious to me again. The quest helped. Then it led me to my master. But I understand your despair. *His eyes are now haunted by something darker and more pained than when he spoke of his murdered wife*

    *She wanted to lash out, challenge his statement that he understood, but—there was a premonition of pain in his eyes, with such a frightening depth that she remembered his age. Of all people, for her to forget that people could be hundreds or even thousands of years older than they appeared. It was because he smelled like a human. But there was a wild grief hidden behind a veil in his gaze. It hadn't been discernible when he spoke of his wife. Without thinking, drawn to that pain that matched her own, she began, "Who—"

    The veil fluttered and he sprang up, fey purple sparks dancing in the shadows of his eyes. His body was taut with restrained violence. A muscle jumped in his jaw with restrained words. She stared at him, eyes wide. He strode from the room without a word.

    her tiny fragment of dialogue.
    Tao: "Can I pet your hair?"
    Tal: "Do you want to die?"

    Here's a piece that references one of the bits that became obsolete as Noblesse was released.

    So… where do the werewolves live?

    The werewolves? You don't think we all live in one place, do you?

    We don't have our own island, like the nobles. We don't have a "lord." Each pack is autonomous. And there's no census, no werewolf phone book.

    …Oh. ...How many are there?

    ...One fewer.

    This is another piece that was written very early in the planning process. As I worked on it, though, it no longer fit at all. Julie is not vicious like this. I was considering giving her lines to Raoul, but then he turned out to be a softy, too. And then in contrast, Talonne turned out harder. Still, I like it :P Ah, note, the French has not been vetted by a native speaker. This is me and Google translate.
    At the werewolf home. Julie approaches.
    *Tal grabs M-21 by the upper arm and thrusts him behind her*
    F(rench)—do not translate for the reader, because M-21 will not get a translation, and this section is more or less from his POV—
    J: Pourquoi est-il encore vivant?[Why is he still alive?!]
    'English' (maybe this is technically Korean?):
    T: He's mine.
    J: Il mérite de mourir.[He deserves to die.]
    T: Ran's heart is still beating! What then if I kill this puppy? I will stop it by my own hand? No!
    J: Vous pouvez laisser quelqu'un d'autre le faire. [You could let someone else do it.]
    T: It's the same thing.
    J: Tal, il n'est pas lui! [Tal, he's not him! ]
    T: Speak so he can understand. You're being rude.
    *mutual glaring*
    J: *glaring at M-21* Tal, not-killing him won't make any difference to our brother. Why don't you just go inside for a while?
    T: ...He's mine.
    *more glaring*
    J: All right, Tal. He's yours. Enjoy.
    M-21: Thanks.
    T: Je n'ai pas fait pour vous. [I didn't do it for you.] *stalks off, even though she knows leaving him alone is wrong*
    *M-21 tries to find somewhere to "hide", knowing everyone can still find him anyway, hoping Tal's last words weren't something like, 'get lost' or 'he's all yours' or some specific instruction he didn't understand, like, 'follow me now or you won't get dinner'. He thought he understood body language enough to know that following her would have been a mistake, but it probably would have been wiser to follow her after all; it seemed like open season on modified humans. He hoped the other werewolf would keep her word to Tal, and that the other werewolves would leave him alone, too.*

    A scrap about Raoul and Julie:
    Raoul is a hacker. It's a way to hunt, and he's a hunter. He eats popcorn with his tongue rather than his hands when he's using the computer. Julie gives him a toothpick. He thinks it's to pick his teeth afterwards, but she explains it's to stick the popcorn with so he can eat like a civilized person even though he can't use his hands. "This… works unexpectedly well…"

    Sometime after M-21 and Talonne's trip to France; they've reunited with the gang, having picked up a few additional members for the Crombell-hunting group:
    Talonne returns to human form after an excursion:

    Tao: Shouldn't you be naked?

    Talonne: *creates weapon out of thin air* Excuse me?

    Tao: Ah, that's not what I meant…

    Talonne: *regards the knife thoughtfully* Clothes are easy... Julie figured it out. She didn't like the blood under her nails. *makes the knife disappear with a small grin* I don't mind, though.

    By the way, here's what happened to Warrane, and how Talonne got shot up with silver, and the background on the whole catastrophe:
    Crombell found a wounded werewolf, the result of a battle. Since he was already wounded, he barely managed to defeat him, killing him, and only by remembering the myth about silver and combining his power with a ring he was wearing to make a projectile. He was then fascinated by werewolves. He believed that he could create the perfect super-soldier with a werewolf base. Except for that pesky silver thing; the second his enemies found out his soldiers had werewolf DNA, all they'd need to do is pull out some silver bullets (potentially) and that would be the end of it. So Crombell embarks on his research to eliminate the silver weakness. He sets up several sorts of watchdogs to try to locate werewolves. They search records all over the world to try to find signs of beings living longer than they should. Photos in newspapers of people that look exactly the same, separated by a hundred years, that kind of thing. The world is shrinking due to technology. He realizes that many werewolves would need a document forger and starts 1) looking for existing ones to plunder and 2) setting traps of new ones. This is how he finds quite a number of his subjects. There are not that many "reputable" document forgers. He finds Warrane because of the re-enlistments in WWII. [One of the original concepts was that Warrane wasn't satisfied to sit back and watch the Nazis invade France. He was plagued by the worst luck, though. His units kept getting annihilated in ways he couldn't really do anything about, like getting bombed at night. So he would have to disappear, pretended he'd been killed as well. Which led him back to square one... so he would re-enlist.] He gets the photos, the false names, and the *single* address to which all of the annuities are being sent. When Warrane is on his way back from the post office, he is attacked. He is able to temporarily repel his attackers because of an unusual genetic resistence to the silver in their weapons. M-21 ends up being Crombell's only tie to this genetic resistence he hopes will signal his rise to Union stardom, if not world domination. (This explains Crombell's inordinate interest in M-21, and why he didn't report M-21's defection to the Union.) When Tal and Raoul start poking around the M-series records in their quest to find Warrane, Crombell realizes he might have something really special here, but his hopes are dashed by Raoul's reaction to the silver nitrate when he gets a small shot of it somehow. He does get away, but Crombell is able to note enough of his reaction to see that he's not special. So when his flunkies execute the usual plan and shoot Tal with the usual concoction, he is surprised when she acts like nothing happened. It turns out she has the same gene as Warrane, only stronger. She is able to escape and hold off its effects until she finds out that Warrane is dead, and then she collapses. Frankenstein, when he finally figures out what's really going on, is able to flush it from her system with relative ease.

    Besides the main plot, there's a bit of a side story about another member of the M-series.

    M-65: Click image for larger version. 

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ID:	15852 Like M-21, he lost his memory when he was added to the program. Crombell noticed the comraderie developing among the M-series members, and didn't particularly care for it. So he enacted a dastardly plan. He split the group up into many smaller groups... leading each to think they were the only ones remaining. M-65 was so enraged by the alleged murder of all of his companions that he is able to break out. Like M-21, he is dedicated to finding out information about himself and his comrades. After his escape, he shadows agents and searches the Union for clues. He's got a camera net set up in Paris to catch some Union fellow he thinks might have the info he needs (or a way to get the info he needs), and catches M-21 and Talonne going through on their way back from the werewolf home, but waits to approach. M-21 and Tal split up temporarily; Talonne to meet up with Raoul, and M-21 to run some errands. M-65 waylays M-21. They do some catching up; he is a convenient and interesting addition to the story. He collapses and M-21 leaves Paris without Talonne to take M-65 back to Frankenstein (M-65 isn't as well off as M-21 without the constant meds). Talonne and Raoul head to Frankenhouse later. Tal has never received a key, and has to ring the bell. SURPRISE! Warrane is the one who opens the door. I was just kidding when I said this was a side story. Although I'm not surprised if any of you aren't surprised.

    After this, there are major plot points about Ran's health and his heart and M-21's heart and stuff. I hadn't fleshed out all of the details.

    The grand finale... the way that the good guys win. The concept is just two lines, Talonne and Crombell:

    "What is this? What's happening?!"
    "You didn't find all of his notebooks. There are ways to obtain power… and ways to lose it."

    They take away his power and give him to the human justice system, with everything they'd need to convict him for many consecutive life sentences.

    "Epilogue," sort of. This was in a letter to Lyunee:
    *chagrined* I’ve been thinking about Fate lately and… it was headed this way but I was fighting it but now it’s really happened…
    Raoul just ran away with Talonne.
    *hangs head*
    Not literally, I just mean that on their travels together, they’re going to end up falling in love. It’s so wrong… Raoul belongs to her beloved sister! So she’ll fight it, but it’ll turn out ok in the end. Turns out Julie didn’t want Raoul anyway. The conversation between Julie and Tal already wrote itself. >.<

    T: “Julie… I’m sorry. I’ve been quite antagonistic towards Raoul for a long time, but… now that I’ve spent more time with him, I find you’re right about him…”
    *leans forward to tuck a strand of Julie’s hair behind her ear for her and smiles, convincingly, she thinks*
    “I guess he deserves you after all.”
    J: (blunt) “I don’t want him anymore.”
    T: (stunned) “...What…?”
    J: “He’s not really my type, after all. I just didn’t know how to get rid of him. He’s such a nice guy, I didn’t want to be mean…”
    T (her thoughts): Nice? I suppose…? Ish. That’s… not the word I would have picked, though...
    J: *looks guilty* “Honestly, I’ve really been freaking out about it…” (sly) “You know, Tal… he really seems like YOUR type.”
    T: (automatic) “... He’s not…”
    J: “Think about it.” *smiiiiiiiiiiiiile* *leaves*
    T: *stunned*

    This wasn’t supposed to happen… It’s kinda fun, though. Having characters that do whatever they want XD Making themselves more real. That’s why Tal and Raoul are off by themselves hunting Warrane, why Julie isn’t with them… Julie’s been feeling trapped by her engagement, noticed that Tal would actually really go well with Raoul if she could ever stop hating him, and conveniently found herself another job… (Otherwise, why would she let them off by themselves? Werewolves are possessive. >.<

    And then there was a piece I really loved about Talonne's motivations. I can't find it, though. It might possibly be handwritten in a notebook somewhere... if I find it, I might post it later.
    Last edited by Erro; 12-03-2015 at 08:08 PM.

  4. #104
    Senior Member Is Awesome Liska's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Between the lines.
    Don't I know this problem. Congratulate yourself, the point when characters act on their own is the point when they are actually alive.
    But they grow up so fast...

    And in the end marry the wrong guy, hehe.

    My favourites were the cow and the final of "where do werewolves live", I think. :)
    Ring the bell at the front of my book and I may be right there for you.... soon... ish.
    앞으로는 걱정하지 않아도 되겠는데.

  5. #105
    Drama Queen

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    Erro's Avatar
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    Nov 2012
    Hahaha, I found it! The rest of my notes. Here's the (very melodramatic) bit about Tal's motivations in her course of action towards Crombell:
    Revenge? That implies that there will be satisfaction in the result. There will be no satisfaction. I can take no right from this. Nothing will ever be right again. If I tear his skin from his living muscle, when I am done, I will not any less have lost Warrane—I will just have a mess to clean up. I can do no more than prevent him from doing this again to someone else. And that I will do, because I can. Because while ending him, bringing him suffering, will not make me happy, it will prevent him from being happy. And if I know he is smiling over the corpse of someone else's brother, somewhere in the world, this pain that I could not imagine being worse, will be worse. And I will do it because I have a responsibility, whatever the others say, as a being with power, to... pick on others my own size. I am not seeking revenge. I am seeking a cold, pale form of justice that fixes nothing that has been broken. For a while, it will distract me from the darkness licking at my soul. But when I am done, I will have to face the cold bitter pain, and the knowledge of Crombell's death will be nothing more than the painting of a fireplace to someone freezing to death. But it will be better than the painting of a blizzard.

    Additional (unrelated) quotes:

    "Fight with my claws? How gauche."

    "Tal, you were so busy hating him, you didn't even notice I really didn't like him that much."

    Some (very sad) songs that inspired me:
    Swimming in a Lovely Sea of You
    The Approaching Night

    Hands of Silk

  6. #106
    Senior Member Pure awesomeness! d1r31's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Naver on Mondays
    Such strong emotion! I liked the thought process of her bitterness.

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